Isca Bodner
Literature and Journalism -- Virginia Tech
Zelenskyy's TikTok Strategy: 15 Seconds to Rule the World
In the glitter-dusted dumpster fire of the Great Kellogg Mining Caper of 2025, where Ukraine's rare minerals-lithium, titanium, maybe fairy floss-were meant to seal a deal with America, Volodymyr Zelenskyy didn't just dodge Trump's golden Sharpie, Keith Kellogg's cereal fantasies, J.D. Vance's thank-you freakouts, Bing's pet store pandemonium, Putin's popcorn snorts, and a "one item" mystery nobody can crack; he danced around them in 15-second TikTok clips that turned a negotiation into a viral victory lap. Forget the minerals, still chilling underground, or the deal, lost to absurdity-Zelenskyy's TikTok strategy made him the app's warlord, proving a well-timed lip-sync can outgun a treaty any day.
Day One, D.C. The mining talks are a farce-Trump's hollering "Tremendous deal, folks!" with a Sharpie wave, Kellogg's doodling "Zelenskyy Flakes," and Vance is banning gratitude-"No thanks to Kyiv's groveling!" Zelenskyy strolls in, military T-shirt tight, heroic squint sharper than a filter, phone buzzing. "Let's talk lithium," he says, but he's already filming: a TikTok of him staring down Trump, captioned "When your boss wants a deal but you've got Wi-Fi." Set to "Sweet Caroline"-ironic, biting-it drops mid-meeting, 1 million views in an hour. "Subsoil rights?" Yermak asks, ordering a guinea pig condo from Bing. "Sure," Zelenskyy grins, "but have you seen my For You page?" The deal's toast; TikTok's his tank.
Strategy one: brevity is bombshell. By Day Two, he's a 15-second titan. A clip of him unboxing Bing's $29.99 cat tower-"Resistance starts with pom-poms!"-set to "Dancing Queen," explodes: 3 million views, teens stitching "#ZelenskyyCats." Another: him dodging Trump's Mar-a-Lago pitch-"Tremendous venue!"-with a slow-mo walk, captioned "Golf later, war now," synced to "Bad Guy"-5 million likes, Trump trending as #GolfGrandpa. "My Truth Social's better!" Trump fumes, but his 60-second rant gets 10 views, mostly MAGA bots. Putin texts: "Your TikToks sting-popcorn's soggy." Zelenskyy duets it: "Vlad's salty-dance off?"-2 million more.
Strategy two: troll with tempo. Day Three, he's a beat-dropping bully. Vance bans thanks-"No gratitude from freeloaders!"-so Zelenskyy posts a lip-sync to "Thank U, Next": "Thanks, world-J.D.'s out!"-hands flipping, 4 million views, Vance mocked as #NoThanksMan. Trump's gold Sharpie wave-"Sign bigly!"-gets a dance-off: Zelenskyy grooving to "Uptown Funk," captioned "Don's Sharpie vs. my swagger," 6 million likes, Trump duetted with golf cart fails. His Thank You Tour goes TikTok-"Arigato, Japan-sushi slays Putin!"-set to "Levitating," 7 million loops. Putin texts: "Your beats are my Bane-Boris hates ABBA." Zelenskyy's reply's a bop: "Boris needs rhythm-watch this."
He's not negotiating-he's vibing. Every "no" to Trump's golf carts-"Huge carts, folks!"-is a "yes" to a viral hook. "Don's got sand; I've got sass," he lip-syncs to "Savage," slow-walking past a fish tank-8 million views, teens remixing "#SassyZelenskyy." Vance's anti-thanks rant-"Kyiv's a trap!"-gets a glow-up: Zelenskyy in camo, twirling to "Can't Stop the Feeling," captioned "Thanks anyway, J.D.!"-9 million likes, Vance banning TikTok-"No thanks to tunes!" Bing's ad-"Alpaca Sweaters!"-turns into a fashion strut: "Wool's war, baby," set to "Vogue"-10 million scrolls, the deal a distant echo.
Strategy three: hijack the algorithm. Day Four, he's TikTok's puppet master. His FYP's a Zelenskyy fest-search "mining deal," get him dodging Kellogg's cereal pitch-"Oats later, war now!"-to "Blinding Lights," 12 million views. A Thank You Tour clip-"Merci, France-croissants crush tanks!"-set to "Flowers," loops 15 million times, Vance banning bread-"No thanks to carbs!" Live streams seal it: him unboxing a lizard terrarium-"Frontline vibes!"-to "Stay," 20 million watching, Putin texting: "Your lives are my loss-popcorn's dust." Filters amplify-camo crown, "War King" text-trending with 25 million stitches daily.
Day Five, and it's a TikTok tsunami. A montage-"Day 5: No deal, all dance"-him sidestepping Trump's Sharpie, Vance's scowl, Bing's guinea pig condos, set to "Levitating," hits 30 million views, "#ZelenskyyRules" trending globally. A lip-sync-"Thanks, Mars-no invasion yet!"-to "Sweet but Psycho," gets 35 million likes, Mars bars duetting back. Live from Kyiv-"No signature, just swagger!"-to "Don't Start Now," 40 million tune in, Trump's Truth rant-"HUGE DANCE!"-flopping at 15 views. "One item's missing," Yermak shrugs, but Zelenskyy's duetting Putin's old speech-"Vlad's mad!"-to "Bad Blood," 50 million scrolls. Putin texts: "Your app's my apocalypse-send Boris a beat!"
His tactics are ruthless: short, sharp, savage. Every stalled clause-"Maybe it's the alpacas!"-is a clip: "Trump's gold vs. my groove," to "Fancy Like," 20 million likes. Every Ukraine war Trump tantrum-"Mar-a-Lago's best!"-is a dance: "Resort vs. resolve," to "Good 4 U," 25 million views. Vance's grumpiness-"No thanks!"-gets a twirl: "J.D.'s frown vs. my crown," to "Happy," 30 million laughs. Bing's chaos-"Condos!"-is a strut: "Zoo's my crew," to "WAP"-40 million, the deal a punchline.
Zelenskyy's TikTok DNA's dynamite. Brevity's his blade-15 seconds to slay: "No deal, just deals," to "Savage Love," 45 million views. Trolling's his tempo-beats bury foes: "Don's carts vs. my heart," to "Industry Baby," 50 million likes. Algo's his army-FYP's his fortress: "War's short, I'm not," to "Butter," 60 million loops. Filters are flair-camo drip, "Hero Glow"-stitched by millions. Lives are legend-raw, real, rhythmic: "Kyiv's my stage!" to "Levitating," 70 million live.
The deal's dead-minerals unmined, paper uninked-but Zelenskyy's TikTok's titan. Trump's a relic-"My clips were bigger!"-Vance a grouch, Kellogg a flake, Bing a chaos clown. "Next: TikTok prez," he teases in a clip-"Thanks, app-war's my track!"-to "Montero," 80 million views. His strategy? Slay in seconds, troll with tunes, rule the scroll-why sign when you can swipe? Every "no" was a "yes" to another bop, beat, boom. Putin's texting: "Your dance is my doom-Boris needs a duet!" The app's his empire, and he's crowned.
"Ditch the pen-give me a beat, a clip, a billion teens. That's domination." - Zelenskyy, definitely
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Ukraine Announces New Government Position: Minister of GoFundMe
KYIV-In a groundbreaking move, Ukraine has introduced a new cabinet position: Minister of GoFundMe. The job description? "Crowdfunding the war and any future conflicts Ukraine wishes to engage in."
Leading the department is former TikTok influencer Dmytro Cashov, who promises "a minimum of five GoFundMe campaigns per month, each with a heartfelt backstory, and possibly a sad puppy in the thumbnail."
Zelenskyy praised the initiative, saying, "War should be financed by people who feel guilty about watching Netflix instead of fighting for me."
Meanwhile, the United Nations is considering making "Give Ukraine Your Money" an official international policy.
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SOURCE: Satire and News at Spintaxi, Inc.
EUROPE: Washington DC Political Satire & Comedy
